I’ve been using writing as a tool to think more openly. I’m able to take my endless voice memos that consist of tangents and incohesive thoughts and turn them into structured organization for my mind clutter.

Often times I will reflect, but those reflections change over time — they become more clear, less clear, more cluttered, less cluttered.

Myway of thinking, however, never reaches a organization that is satisfactory. I find that I have to constantly organize these negative anxious reflections. Satisfaction from thinking openly about something that has been bothering me is temporary I find

Because I think so rigidly habitually, having no end is really daunting, worrisome, and concerning for me. I’m still struggling with the idea of Categorizing my thoughts.

It bothers me that problems cannot be soft forever.

It’s hard to erase precedent, and oftentimes it reminds me of negative emotions. Repression of negativity is something that I just cannot do. Being caught up in a problem is like an infection of my mind, a mosquito bite that just swells up and I have an allergic reaction right after. Sometimes when I’m doing something, like eating or making lunch, I will get a horrible haunting negative reminder of a time I felt really uncomfortable and disgusting inside my stomach. The thought completely ruins my mood. Dealing with the negativity of precedent is something I’m still struggling with and I hope writing will gradually make it better.

I’ve noticed that when I write about a mental struggle or small moment that is bothering me — an anxious thought that negatively affects my concentration — I try to make sense of all the conflicts that arise.Holes in my personality or approach to situations, environmental stressors, or the intensity/buildup of negative events, Etc.. For example, writing about my need for comparison. Every time I return to why I must compare photos and videos of myself or my acting work. I try to figure out how to avoid the act of comparison by analyzing the elements behind it. I do so in hopes to avoid wasting the time that comes out of it. However, because I keep coming back to comparison, it seems that there is never a solution to having a need to compare. While I don’t like to leave my writing open ended with unknown ideas and unfinished thoughts, I think that will make me more accepting of having the same problems consistently.

I recently worked on a scene from the play, rabbit hole by David Lindsay Abaire. The play shares the story of a couple that lost their four-year-old child in an unlucky accident. It becomes clear through the end that the trauma and pain of the loss will never go away. The incident becomes ingrained in the affected family members As they continue with the rest of life.

Thinking about how my problems can not be solved reminds me of the circumstances in this play. While they are nowhere near similar, I am trying to explore and grapple with the concept that there is no fix for some anxiety inducing thoughts.

Still, writing out what specifically is bothering me, whether it be comparing my dance technique or having an “obsession” over a singing hobby, Allows me to identify how I am affected and where my negative emotions are coming from.

Writing itself for me requires me to puzzle ideas together so that they flow. Connections are established between each thought that I have.

I might contemplate how categorizing people, places, and things relate to my rigid thinking. However, writing this out into words also makes me discover how that rigid thinking relates to why I get so stressed out when I realize I’ve abandoned a different art obsession I had previously. This deeper analysis makes me take action on controlling and organizing the work I want to do efficiently.

Writing also makes me think about providing examples and detail when describing my general statements and contemplation. I am required to find justification for these generalizations or comments that I’m making. An example of this would be when I talk about losing and gaining.

I put a lot of emphasis on my environment and my environment influences me a lot. A series of losses due to my environment induces much stress. I

Losses such as not being able to make progress in things that I want to do, where I am instead forced to complete tasks that will not benefit myself in the performing arts. Extra chores like having to spend time cleaning my apartment or addressing a maintenance issue. All of which hinders me from being able to do my vocal exercises or practicing dance technique.

The most terrifying loss is falling out of a routine. I’ve established a routine in which I must complete dance conditioning and vocal conditioning every day. It’s a gain that covers for many losses throughout the day. Going off track of that is already one major loss. It’s hard to see a gain throughout the day that is worth losing that. I will end up blaming the loss of my routine on my external environment or people that may have been able to do something better that could’ve saved my time there. Whether that be the property manager, my roommates, or my parents.

Writing also lets me release all the stress and get it out of my head otherwise it will keep on repeating itself at the top of my head. I find that after a very anxious performance or sharing of vulnerable work that makes me overthink, over analyze and feel anxious about, It helps when I put my thoughts into a voice memo or I write them all out in my journal. Sometimes I do so because I don’t want to forget how I feel or my findings after a performance. It’s become clear to me that if I write uncontrollably after a stressful event, I am muchMore relaxed.

When I feel like I am conversing with myself in my head, and there’s too many different ideas, new revelations, and thoughts swirling around, I have to let it flow into a voice memo, talk to someone like my mom, or I just cannot stop thinking about the same things. Writing provides the same sort of release, but I am conversing with myself in a more logical and analytical way.